Over Thinking

Before I begin. Let me introduce you to the song that has caused me to write tonight.

This song is so seemingly simple. Or at least my take on it is. Obviously, I can't apply everything to every line. Nor is one person going to read the same thing into a song as I do. But I think this song is just simply about thinking too much about something, or putting too much into it.

I was sinking
Lower, sinking
Cause I lost the things I held on to

I thought she was my dream come true, and in my mind I built her up to be. I wanted so badly for it to come true. I put so much into it. I loved her. I would have given anything for her. But maybe I was over thinking it.

I can't deny this anymore, the facts ignored all done before
And if there's one in this world,
You let me know you're not that girl

She gave me that fact. By walking away, she let me know she's not that girl. It's difficult, almost impossible, still trying to believe it. It seems like the more I think of losing that dream, I break my heart in two much worse that you could ever do. I continue to tear myself apart thinking of what could have beens, and all the things I hoped for.

But in Relient K's Forget and Not Slow Down (an album I've been listening to over, and over again), Matt Thiessen sings:
Cause I could spend my life just trying to sift through
What I could've done better but what good do what ifs do..
But I'd rather forget and not slow down
Than gather regret for the things I can't change now

Being unable to walk, go out, and do things, my mind rolls around in the mud puddle of what if's, and it's doing nothing for me. I can't spend life sifting through these. I'd rather just forget and not slow down. I can't change what has happened. I've tried to hold my head up, and yes her leaving is like a curse. But I have to realize my praying won't bring her back, and so I can't regret the things I can't change. 

Forget and not slow down. That is what I'm daily striving towards. However, along with that I must know I can't do this alone.

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. 

I can't imagine what would be going through my mind if I had now just become the leader of the Israelites. The people who time and time again complained about God, even though He had done miracles for them. Being Joshua, now in charge of thousands of Israelites. How fearful I would be! And though I'm not leading thousands of Israelites, I know God is telling me not to be discouraged in this continual time of hurt and healing, for He is with me always.

With love.
Dan

Not a Day.

I'm tired of waking up in tears
'Cause I can't put to bed these phobias and fears
I'm new to this grief I can't explain
But I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain

I'm a silhouette asking every now and then
"Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again?"
I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

Ahh I can't even fathom what's going on right now.

Prayer. Please.

Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark.

Last night was a great night. Line dancing; the last hoorah of my mobility for what I thought would be six months or more. However...

Back up two months ago. My knee began to hurt incredibly bad. Turns out I had something called Osteochondritis Dissecans caused by what was probably a soccer injury when I was between 10-12 years old. When consulting doctors at UCSD Medical Center, the plan was an open knee surgery to fix the 2cm legion on my knee. Open knee surgery would have been 6 weeks crutches, 4-6 months of learning how to walk, and another 4-6 months of no contact sports. When coming up here, I met with Dr. Woods, an orthopedic surgeon here in SLO, who also goes to Grace Church. We reviewed the MRIs and x-rays, and to him as well it looked like it would need open knee surgery. He said he was going to look arthroscopically (means using an arthroscope inserted into a small incision) before opening it up during surgery.

During the pre-op on Tuesday, I was talking with Dr. Woods, getting myself prepared. He asked me how I was feeling about the surgery. I told him I was nervous and second thinking everything. At that moment he asked if he could pray for me. Dr. Woods started to pray about my heart, and that maybe, just maybe, the knee could be fixed arthroscopically without having to do an open knee surgery.

This morning was tough, imagining what it was going to be like without mobility and learning to teach myself to walk for up to six months. The feeling of turning back was the strongest it had ever been. I awoke from surgery. I don't remember asking, but the nurse said, "It says they did it arthroscopically, I don't know if they opened your knee, it doesn't say here." In my head, I said there was no way. Both doctors said it was going to need open knee, I was preparing myself for that for the last month.

Dr. Woods walked in. "We were able to do it arthroscopically", he said with a smile. Everything in me leapt for joy, since I couldn't do it in action. Arthroscopically. Which means no new bone in my knee, no teaching my knee how to learn to walk. It meant they drilled a few holes to encourage blood flow to heal the area, and a few pins to hold the area around the legion to stay in place. To clarify more, it means the healing process is going to be shorter, and I'll be in action way sooner than originally planned. Todd and I prayed about this a lot, even though it was a far-shot. Arthroscopic seemed out of the picture. I prayed, yet knowing what the answer would be.

Trust in Him at all time, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:8

What a joy it is to trust in such a great God who time and time again works things out. I didn't even think or hope in this because I was so sure in open knee. I was so accepting of that, that arthroscopic wasn't going to happen. I didn't even hope for it. God is smiling, I know that for sure. When I've been down, upset, angry, and all over the place on the emotional spectrum, God does this. He is SO GOOD. I can't even put it into words. I am on crutches, my knee does hurt, but the fact I'll be back in action way sooner than expected is such a great feeling. Trust in Him because He is capable of far more than we can imagine, and even hope for.

I would love to ask if you could still pray for my heart. As with last post, it still hurts and will from time to time, but it will heal.

With love, and some joy in my heart.
Dan

L'on est bien faible quand on est amoureux.

Continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Breathing in. Breathing out. I guess those are the only things I can do. It still exists, and hasn't gone anywhere. The gaping hole where I feel my heart should be.

Friends, books and fishing have been my outlets. Yet the still moments are continuing to haunt me like a ghost. I want to run, to sprint, and to never stop. It'd be futile, nonetheless, knowing everything would follow. There's nowhere to run. I'm hit by a train at the sound of her name, a song, even a thought. Trying to stop that pain is like throwing a rock into a river, expecting it to slow it down. My safest times are when my mind is lulled to sleep, in dreams, where on occasion, there's a cameo, and it's the happiest I've felt, until I realize, it fades as the sun comes up.

How do you let go when everything in you screams and cries when you try to pull it apart? Trying to convince yourself of something you told yourself time and time again you'd never do. How do you tell yourself to break a promise you swore to yourself you'd never break? I still meant every word I said. I won't turn back, I won't give up. Something keeps me holding on to nothing.

I have three days of full mobility. I'm dreading the coming of Friday. Where I won't be able to walk without the help of crutches, where athleticism and the joy of summer, the running and frolicking, are stripped from my life. I'm struck suddenly at moments throughout each day. Uncontrollable, unpredictable, tears flood to my eyes. They sneak up on me without notice. I don't know when this will end, when it will get easier, or when I can look at myself and not feel weak, not feel hurting. But I have a God bigger than everything and anything. And he tells me,

Do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

                                            Isaiah 41:10

Each day I'm trying to tattoo this onto my heart. If anything, I need to wholeheartedly be devoted to the words of that and to walk in light of that. If I am in your prayers or thoughts, please pray for the mending of my heart. The courage and strength to push through surgery and recovery, because God knows each day I consider more and more to flee from the surgery like a gazelle running for its life.

With love, always.
Danual




PS: On a happier note... Taylor Swift announced her new album and release date plus a new single! Highlight of the day? Definitely.

Always.

These last two weeks have been anything but easy. And today is one of the hardest.

I know my Proverbs 3:5-6. My Jeremiah 29:11, Philippians 4:13, Romans 8:28, Matthew 8:33-34; all the verses that have been thrown my way, or I've known to fall back on during hard times. I've dug into David's laments and rejoicings throughout the Psalms. Pushing and seeking refuge in Christ. Diving in to gain knowledge, and to find the peace beyond all understanding.

But the pain is still there. I can't shake it, I can't outrun it. I don't sit and mope, oh no no. I try to keep my days chalk full of things with friends, to keep my mind and heart preoccupied. I've done a fantastic job at doing that, and am continuing to have great fun with some of my best friends. But with any down time or any thought time, emotions overwhelm me like a tsunami to the little village that is my heart. There have been days that have been so good, yet the night has torn me apart. Words, memories, plans, everything pulls me down like an anchor tied to my foot whilst in quicksand. I want so badly to just stand tall, to act like I'm stronger and to walk out each day without this pain. But I can't. It's like my heart is out of my chest, gone.

I know God's answer to Job, yet I'm still standing like Job with my arms out wide asking "Why?". I pour out in tears knowing His love is "higher than the mountains that I face and constant through the trail and the change" and that "He will not delay, my refuge and strength always". All are things my heart trusts and knows, but the hurt persists. This morning I had a short, but deep conversation with Pastor Tim Fox. My mindset has been "man up", yet he told me to let it hurt, and let the hurt draw me nearer to Him who has named every star in the sky. Which is exactly as I've been doing. But I can't stand this pain. I don't understand it. I want it gone. I feel helpless as I pen down verses, quotes, everything that tells me God is bigger than all I can imagine, yet the sting continues.

In one week I am having knee surgery. I'm scared, nervous, disheartened and so much more. Being incapable of walking has brought my mind to the conclusion that it will have a lot of think time, which relays the message of hurt to my heart. I also can't fathom not being able to play sports or be active for at least 4-6 months, let alone not be able to walk for 6 weeks. It honestly feels like a lot of things are coasting downhill in life. Bleh.

Today in college group we read Psalm 46. "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea." Something that stuck with me in comparison to this verse was Jesus' ability to say "Peace, be still" to the storm and calm it instantly in Mark 4. What incredible power! This stirs my soul to rejoice and be filled with such adoration that God is so magnificent and mighty. To know that that power of God is a very present help in difficult times is most definitely encouraging. As I've been pouring out already, Even when the mountains of my world are falling, I daily seek this powerful refuge.

I'm walking away from facebook for the time being. I'm not deleting it, because that's just a hassle. I'm changing my password. I don't know how long I will be off, could be a few weeks, or a few months, but Instagram will capture life for me, as well as this blog. I woke overwhelmed with hurt this morning and I needed to take some other proactive step in healing. Being off facebook will keep me from seeing a lot of things, and will save me some hurt. During this time, I'm going to delve even deeper into God's word, see how He can mold me and grow me into the man He wants me to be. I will be opening up books like Irresistible Revolution, Reason for God, Radical, Changes that Heal, Weight of Glory, and maybe more. To use this time to heal, to get my face in the Book and off of facebook. I know the hurt will continue, it will take time, and everyone has assured me of that.

But no matter what Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8). He was there when the foundations of the earth were laid and it is He who commands the morning (Job 38). This same God I find refuge in when my heart is crying in pain. And it is this God whose love for me is separated by nothing (Romans 8:35-39) and endures always (Psalm 52:1). He's a God who cares for me enough to let me cast all care on Him (1 Peter 5:7) and His everlasting arms are always open for me (Deut. 33:27). So I trust in Him knowing He knows everything about me (Psalm 139) and has more for me than I can imagine.

Please keep me, my heart, my knee and my perseverance in prayer.