L'on est bien faible quand on est amoureux.

Continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Breathing in. Breathing out. I guess those are the only things I can do. It still exists, and hasn't gone anywhere. The gaping hole where I feel my heart should be.

Friends, books and fishing have been my outlets. Yet the still moments are continuing to haunt me like a ghost. I want to run, to sprint, and to never stop. It'd be futile, nonetheless, knowing everything would follow. There's nowhere to run. I'm hit by a train at the sound of her name, a song, even a thought. Trying to stop that pain is like throwing a rock into a river, expecting it to slow it down. My safest times are when my mind is lulled to sleep, in dreams, where on occasion, there's a cameo, and it's the happiest I've felt, until I realize, it fades as the sun comes up.

How do you let go when everything in you screams and cries when you try to pull it apart? Trying to convince yourself of something you told yourself time and time again you'd never do. How do you tell yourself to break a promise you swore to yourself you'd never break? I still meant every word I said. I won't turn back, I won't give up. Something keeps me holding on to nothing.

I have three days of full mobility. I'm dreading the coming of Friday. Where I won't be able to walk without the help of crutches, where athleticism and the joy of summer, the running and frolicking, are stripped from my life. I'm struck suddenly at moments throughout each day. Uncontrollable, unpredictable, tears flood to my eyes. They sneak up on me without notice. I don't know when this will end, when it will get easier, or when I can look at myself and not feel weak, not feel hurting. But I have a God bigger than everything and anything. And he tells me,

Do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

                                            Isaiah 41:10

Each day I'm trying to tattoo this onto my heart. If anything, I need to wholeheartedly be devoted to the words of that and to walk in light of that. If I am in your prayers or thoughts, please pray for the mending of my heart. The courage and strength to push through surgery and recovery, because God knows each day I consider more and more to flee from the surgery like a gazelle running for its life.

With love, always.
Danual




PS: On a happier note... Taylor Swift announced her new album and release date plus a new single! Highlight of the day? Definitely.