Always.

These last two weeks have been anything but easy. And today is one of the hardest.

I know my Proverbs 3:5-6. My Jeremiah 29:11, Philippians 4:13, Romans 8:28, Matthew 8:33-34; all the verses that have been thrown my way, or I've known to fall back on during hard times. I've dug into David's laments and rejoicings throughout the Psalms. Pushing and seeking refuge in Christ. Diving in to gain knowledge, and to find the peace beyond all understanding.

But the pain is still there. I can't shake it, I can't outrun it. I don't sit and mope, oh no no. I try to keep my days chalk full of things with friends, to keep my mind and heart preoccupied. I've done a fantastic job at doing that, and am continuing to have great fun with some of my best friends. But with any down time or any thought time, emotions overwhelm me like a tsunami to the little village that is my heart. There have been days that have been so good, yet the night has torn me apart. Words, memories, plans, everything pulls me down like an anchor tied to my foot whilst in quicksand. I want so badly to just stand tall, to act like I'm stronger and to walk out each day without this pain. But I can't. It's like my heart is out of my chest, gone.

I know God's answer to Job, yet I'm still standing like Job with my arms out wide asking "Why?". I pour out in tears knowing His love is "higher than the mountains that I face and constant through the trail and the change" and that "He will not delay, my refuge and strength always". All are things my heart trusts and knows, but the hurt persists. This morning I had a short, but deep conversation with Pastor Tim Fox. My mindset has been "man up", yet he told me to let it hurt, and let the hurt draw me nearer to Him who has named every star in the sky. Which is exactly as I've been doing. But I can't stand this pain. I don't understand it. I want it gone. I feel helpless as I pen down verses, quotes, everything that tells me God is bigger than all I can imagine, yet the sting continues.

In one week I am having knee surgery. I'm scared, nervous, disheartened and so much more. Being incapable of walking has brought my mind to the conclusion that it will have a lot of think time, which relays the message of hurt to my heart. I also can't fathom not being able to play sports or be active for at least 4-6 months, let alone not be able to walk for 6 weeks. It honestly feels like a lot of things are coasting downhill in life. Bleh.

Today in college group we read Psalm 46. "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea." Something that stuck with me in comparison to this verse was Jesus' ability to say "Peace, be still" to the storm and calm it instantly in Mark 4. What incredible power! This stirs my soul to rejoice and be filled with such adoration that God is so magnificent and mighty. To know that that power of God is a very present help in difficult times is most definitely encouraging. As I've been pouring out already, Even when the mountains of my world are falling, I daily seek this powerful refuge.

I'm walking away from facebook for the time being. I'm not deleting it, because that's just a hassle. I'm changing my password. I don't know how long I will be off, could be a few weeks, or a few months, but Instagram will capture life for me, as well as this blog. I woke overwhelmed with hurt this morning and I needed to take some other proactive step in healing. Being off facebook will keep me from seeing a lot of things, and will save me some hurt. During this time, I'm going to delve even deeper into God's word, see how He can mold me and grow me into the man He wants me to be. I will be opening up books like Irresistible Revolution, Reason for God, Radical, Changes that Heal, Weight of Glory, and maybe more. To use this time to heal, to get my face in the Book and off of facebook. I know the hurt will continue, it will take time, and everyone has assured me of that.

But no matter what Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8). He was there when the foundations of the earth were laid and it is He who commands the morning (Job 38). This same God I find refuge in when my heart is crying in pain. And it is this God whose love for me is separated by nothing (Romans 8:35-39) and endures always (Psalm 52:1). He's a God who cares for me enough to let me cast all care on Him (1 Peter 5:7) and His everlasting arms are always open for me (Deut. 33:27). So I trust in Him knowing He knows everything about me (Psalm 139) and has more for me than I can imagine.

Please keep me, my heart, my knee and my perseverance in prayer.